


Fantasy Season Three: Bad Dream

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon, M/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-26
Updated: 2007-01-30
Packaged: 2018-12-27 11:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: It's all just a bad dream...





	1. Chapter 1: Blackbird

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Author's Note: This is actually the recreation of a series I started several years ago. I had the first few chapters written, but then my computer decided to commit suicide and I lost everything. Lately, it's been bugging me to get back to it, so I'm trying to recreate these first few chapters as best I can. Also, text in ( ) and italics are thoughts. Please, let me know what you think.

* * *

_...take these broken wings and learn to fly..._

Rolling away from Ethan, Justin tried to ignore the tears he could feel gathering in his eyes. Already he knew he had made a mistake. But what could he do about it now? He had made his choices, and like a man, he was going to have to stand by them and accept the consequences. He doubted Brian would take him back after this stunt anyway. And if Brian wouldn't take him back, he really didn't have any place to go, so what did it matter if he stayed at Ethan's? It was somewhat better than the streets at least. Justin felt a part of himself praying that he would wake up the next morning, safe in Brian's arms, and it would all have been a bad dream. However, doubting heaven had actually heard his prayers, if it even existed, he wasn't counting on it. Not feeling any better about his situation, Justin sighed, closed his eyes, and...

...woke up.

Justin had no idea where he was. When he had closed his eyes only a moment before ( _had it only been a moment?_ ) he had been trying to get to sleep, crammed with Ethan into a bed not near big enough for two. Opening his eyes again, he could only see himself surrounded by a blinding white. For a moment he thought he might be dreaming, but then remembered that in dreams, it never occurs to you that it is a dream. With that possiblity ruled out, Justin found himself clueless and a little frightened in respect to where he was. And at that moment, when Justin felt the most lost he had felt in a very long time, he heard the one voice that could calm him instantly, but get him excited just as quickly.

"Justin, please. It's been a year Justin. You need to wake up now. Every day you don't wake up, you let them win a little more. Every day is a point in their favor. They can't win Justin, and I can't lose you. I've already broken down and told you I love you. What more are you holding out for? What more can I do, what more can I say, to prove to you that this is where you belong, that we all need you to come back. That I need you." Brian's voice broke, and Justin was surprised to hear the sound of sobs. He had never heard Brian cry before, and it pained him to hear it now. He could almost feel the sobs ripping from the other man's chest and wanted nothing more than to stop his pain. If only he could get his body to respond to his commands.

Finally able to focus his vision on the man at his bedside, Justin let out a moan. He felt himself get a bit dizzy, watching Brian's head shoot up to meet his gaze for the first time in ( _a year? a couple of hours?_ ) what felt like a very long time.

"Oh my god, Justin. Oh god. I didn't think..." Brian's voice cracked and he stopped, more tears making their way down his already wet face. "The doctor said...it doesn't matter. None of that matters anymore. You're awake. Shit, I have to call...I can't believe you're here, that you're awake." Brian leaned foward and rested his head on the side of the bed, sobs overtaking him once again. Justin longed to run his fingers through the other man's hair, but found his limbs to be too tired to even lift from their positions on the bed.

"Brian, what's going on? Why can't I move my arms, why does it hurt to talk?" Justin's voice was scratchy and rough, vocal cords burning at their sudden use.

Brian lifted his head and once again met Justin's gaze. "Oh god Justin. What's the last thing you remember before waking up here today?"

Justin gave Brian a confused look. "I was going to sleep at Ethan's. I'm so sorry I left Brian, you just didn't really leave me with an other choice."

It was Brian's turn to look confused. "Who's Ethan? Never mind, it's not important. Justin, you were...attacked at your prom. Chris Hobbes had a bat and..." Chest constricting, Brian was unable to continue.

"I know that Brian, that was almost a year ago. We've already delt with this. What does this have to do with any of that?"

"No Justin...Justin what are you talking about? Your prom was one year ago today. We haven't delt with any of it. Justin, you've been in a coma since that day."

Justin blinked and opened his mouth as if to speak, but no noise came out. He blinked a second time. "A year? I've been in a coma for a year?"

Brian nodded wordlessly. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what not to say. He only knew that if he did open his mouth, and he did say the wrong thing ( _which is inevitable, isn't it?_ ) he could do damage that he would never be able to reverse, and he didn't think he could handle that. So instead, he stayed silent, hoping that the fact that he was there was enough to tell Justin everything he needed to know about where things stood between the two of them. ( _But when has my life ever been that easy?_ )

"No, Brian, that's not possible. I was in a coma for two weeks, but that was almost a year ago... You can't ignore all the things that have happened in the last few months, as much as we both may like to..."

By now Justin had started to hyperventilate and Brian was becoming worried. Pushing the button next to Justin's bed, he paged for the nurse. "Justin, calm down, we'll talk about it, but you need to breathe."

The nurse came rushing in, took one look at the man thrashing on the bed and rushed back out. A moment later, the nurse returned with a doctor, who, with one look at the patient, ordered the nurse to inject a sedative into the IV.

Within moments, Justin's thrashings had died down into almost nothing, and his eye lids had started to slide shut. The last thing he saw before the blackness overtook him was Brian's worried face.

***

When Justin awoke, before he even opened his eyes, the first thing that he noticed was that he was alone. He had known it had all been a dream. When he opened his eyes, he would be back in bed with Ethan, regretting the last few hours of his life. A part of himself wished he did wake up in the hospital, because at least in that dream world, Brian did seem to love him. In that world, even though he knew it only existed in his imagination, Brian wanted him around. Tears burning his eye lids, Justin opened his eyes once again to a vision of blurry white. Unable to focus, he closed them again, willing his tears away so he could see clearly. Opening them again, the blurriness had cleared, but all he still saw was white.

( _Why God? Why must you tease me this way? Just let me wake up. I don't think I can take much more of this._ )

At that thought, Brian moved into his line of vision, and for the first time, Justin let something that felt very similar to hope rise up in his chest and he didn't try to fight it. Could it be possible? Opening his mouth, Justin went to speak, but found himself unable to. Seeing this, Brian picked up a glass of water from the bedside table, and brought the straw to Justin's lips. He drank thirstily, greatful for the cool liquid on his burning throat. He tried to speak again.

"Brian...I don't understand. What is going on?"

"Justin, I don't know how much you remember, so I'm going to start from the beginning. Please, just let me tell the story, and you can ask me any questions you have when I finish, alright?" At Justin's nod, Brian began. 

"A year ago, you asked me to go to your Prom with you. I had just turned thirty, and was already self-concious about that. I turned you down flat. But, the night of the dance, I started to have second thoughts. I showed up, and we danced to one song. I kissed you in front of everyone, and we left. You walked me to the Jeep. You were going to go back and get Daphne so you could take her home. We made plans to meet up later, and said later. You started walking away, still singing to yourself. Someone came up behind you. I yelled to you, and you turned. In that moment, I knew...I knew why Debbie called you Sunshine..." Brian's voice broke, and a single tear escaped, but he forced himself to continue. "You didn't even see it coming. As soon as you turned, he brought the bat down on your head, and you fell. I ran, but I was too slow. He dropped the bat and tried to get away. I took his own weapon to his knee, and he yelled out, but I had already turned back to see if you were alright. You were lying on the floor, not moving. When I got to your side, I saw how much blood there was. Justin, I was so scared when I saw you like that, I thought I had already lost you. I pulled you into my arms, and for the first time in years, I prayed to a god I didn't know if I believed in, and I prayed only that you would be alright. Somehow, I don't remember how, I forced myself to call 911. The next thing I remember is sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting to hear if you would live or die. I had called your mom and Debbie and they were with me. We, the three of us, Lindsey, Mel, Ted, and Emmett, sat there for three days waiting to see if you would live. Finally, the said you would live, but that you were in a coma. They didn't know how long that would last. I left that day, and tried to stay away from you. Because of me, you had been bashed at your Prom and you were in a coma and the doctors didn't know if you would ever wake up. I tried to stay away but I couldn't. For two months, I visited you everynight, but only came as far as the window. I'd watch you when I could pretend you were only sleeping, but it didn't help. I finally was able to come in one night, but the next morning, your mother confirmed what I had known all along. It was my fault you had been hurt. She asked me to leave and never come back. I had no choice but to agree to her wishes. Afterall, I knew she was right. Appearently though, your health started to deteriorate in the next few days, and eventually, she asked me to come back. I wanted to say no, but I had been going crazy not seeing you, so I gave in without much of a fight. I started visiting you everyday, no longer hiding in the shadows at night. For awhile, you did seem to be getting better, but still, you never showed any signs of waking.

Things going on outside these four walls had been changing. Mikey had moved to Portland, and never really looked back. From what I hear, him and the Doc are very happy together. Gus turned a year old. I spent the night remembering the night we met. Around Christmas, things started to change some more. I started having to spend more time at work and less time here. I was barely able to see you on your birthday, but Linds and Mel spent the day with you. I felt guilty, but things at work had been crazy. Out of the blue, Ryder sold the company, and I found myself having to prove my worth all over again. I did, and I secured a position as partner, but all of that took more time away from the time I spent with you. At that point, I was going crazy, needing you to wake up. I came in one day, a month ago I guess, about a month after my promotion. Your mom was here and the doctor wanted to talk to the two of us together. He told us that, with the way things were going, they were starting to doubt you would ever wake up, and that maybe we should start thinking about pulling the plug. I begged your mom for days not to. I didn't know what I would do if I lost you. As long as you were still here, there was still hope that you would come back to us someday. I was willing to wait for you forever. By that point I had admitted to myself that I loved you. I finally admitted it to your mom as well, and told her that I needed you. She agreed not to pull the plug. That night, I came and told you what you had wanted to hear for so long. Nothing changed. For some stupid reason, I had hoped this was some kind of fairy tale, and the love and kiss of the handsome prince would wake up the sleeping beauty. But it wasn't a fairy tale, and there was no magic in my kiss. 

I once again started to drift away from you. I could feel my heart shutting down again. I had told myself that I needed to prepare myself for what would eventually happen, and start to move on with my life. I tried, but I couldn't stay away tonight. It had been a year, and if anything, I only loved you more than I did that night. I had been sitting here for a couple of hours when you woke up. When you started hyperventilating I had to get the doctor. They gave you a seditive to calm you down. You've lost a lot of strength in you muscles in the last year, and they were afraid if you kept thrashing like you were, you would hurt yourself."

Justin sat in shock, hoping, but not quite believing what he had just heard. Could it be possible? Was he being given a second chance to do things right this time? Had it all really been a bad dream?

"Brian...I don't really know what to say. In my head...there's so much going on...I don't know what it is true and what really happened. But I want to believe you. More than anything right now, I want you to be telling me the truth."

"I'm telling you the truth Justin. You've been in a coma since the night of your prom, one year ago."

"And you...you love me?"

"I love you Justin. I've tried to deny it, ignore it, stop it, but I can't do any of those thing. I love you more than anything in my life, except for maybe Gus, who I know I wouldn't love as much as I do without you. So I owe you, and love you for, that as well. It's because of you Justin that I've learned to love and allow myself to be loved in return. I love you Justin, and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it. I'm sorry that it took me almost losing you to admit it. I love you Justin, I love you, I love you..." By now Brian was murmering it, practically as a prayer, as if it was the only thing that could possibly save him from the horrors of the world, and to Brian, it was exactly that. He had lain his head in Justin's lap and started to sob, relief and sorrow at war with each other.

Justin, unable to stand seeing the man he loved in so much pain, forced himself to raise and arm and place a hand on the back of Brian's head. Finally, he could run his fingers through the other man's hair and try to soothe him. Finally, for what felt like the first time in a very, very long time, Justin felt like he was exactly where he belonged.


	2. Chapter 2: Feels Like Home

Author's Note: I'm glad for the response the first chapter received, so thank you to all of those of you who reviewed. I hope this lives up to your expectations. Also, text in ( ) and italics are still thoughts. Please, let me know what you think.  
Chapter Completed: July 4, 2005

* * *

_Feels Like Home  
...I never thought that I'd love anyone so much..._

When Brian's tears finally stopped, he lay quietly, his head resting on Justin's lap. He was too tired and emotionally drained to say anything, but Justin found himself okay with that. As much as he had always wanted words from Brian, the time had come that he didn't think he could handle anymore words. He was still trying to adjust to the facts he had just learned. It was all still jumbled up in his head, the things he was sure had happened, as well as the things Brian had told him. He knew Brian wasn't lying, he could tell by the pain in the older man's voice that he had been telling the truth, but in his own mind he knew different ( _didn't he_?)

After awhile Brian lifted his head and met Justin's gaze. In that moment both saw exactly what they were looking for. Reassurance that this wasn't all a dream, but reality. That this was tangible, something they could hold onto.

"Justin," Brian's voice cracked, and he cleared it before starting again. "God, Justin, I don't even know where to begin. Or, to continue I suppose. As much as I didn't want to believe the doctors, a part of me didn't think you'd ever wake up. Over the last year I've thought of so many things that I wanted to say to you, if only you'd wake up. But now, here you are and I can't think of a single thing beyond I love you. I love you and I'm sorry I never said it to you before. I'm sorry it took all this bullshit for me to realize it. I love you so much it hurts sometimes, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. I love you despite thinking I'd never be capable of it. I know I'm not making much sense right now, but...I never thought I would get this chance. A chance to make things right with you. I know I don't deserve you, and I'll probably fuck up more than either of us could ever imagine, but I'm yours Justin...if you want me."

Justin was silent after Brian's declaration. This Brian was a far cry from the one he remembered from a year ago ( _and the one he remembered from only a few days ago_ ). This was all he had ever wanted from Brian, being presented to him on a platter. And yet, he hesitated. Could it really be this easy? Sure, he had often fantasized that eventually he'd wear Brian down enough and he'd make some kind of commitment, but he had originally figured it would take years.

"Brian, I want you. I've wanted nothing and no one but you since I was 17 years old. And I'll have you...but I need to know now, before we get any farther into this, what exactly "having you" entails. I'll take what I can get Brian, but I need us to be on the same page."

Brian sighed. He doubted this was a conversation they should be having while Justin was still in the hospital, but if Justin felt up to it, he figured there was no time like the present. "Justin, a lot has changed in the last year, but not everything. I'm yours and only yours in all the ways that matter, and I'll try not to trick, but I can't promise that I won't. I do promise to try though. I promise to love you and only you, for the rest of my life, because I know that I'm never going to feel like this for anyone else, ever again. I promise that if I do fuck up and trick, I won't do it in our home, and I'll be honest with you. I promise to love you and support you, respect you and listen. I promise to take care of you, but not smother you or be some kind of sugar daddy. I promise to treat you as an equal. That may not seem like a lot, but that's all I have to offer Justin. I promise to try Justin, and that has got to count for a lot."

"It counts for everything Brian. Even a promise to try is a commitment, and that's more than I ever was told I would get, but what I've always wanted. I know it's not going to be perfect Brian, believe me I know, but you promising to try means the world to me, and I don't know if I can truly make you understand how much..." Justin trailed off when he found his voice clouded by tears.

Brian gave Justin a small smile and ran his hand down the side of the teen's face. "Justin, that's enough for now. I can tell you're getting tired, and the doctor said you need your rest. We have the rest of our lives to sort all of this out. Get some sleep, I'll be here when you wake up."

Feeling exhaustion in every part of his body, Justin didn't even try to argue. He didn't think he'd have been able to stay awake much longer anyway. It was then that Brian's words soaked into his tired brain. The rest of our lives... the rest of his life with Brian. ( _A life with Brian_ ). With one of his trademark smiles that warmed Brian to the very core, Justin closed his eyes and slipped into sleep.

***

When Justin awoke, Brian was, as promised, right there next to his bed. Justin could see a bright light coming in from his window, and estimated it to be at least mid-day. He could tell Brian was lightly sleeping but didn't have the heart to wake the man. For awhile he just watched his lover sleep, taking joy in the unguardedness of his face, of the peace that seemed to usually escape him during waking hours.

The peaceful silence was broken when a woman in a white lab coat entered the room. Brian jerked awake at the sound of her rubber souls hitting the floor right behind him, and glanced around for a second, unsure of where he was. Seeing Justin's eyes staring back at him, the previous night all came back to him and he smiled at the teen.

"Mr. Taylor," the doctor said, ending the moment between the two men, "I'm Dr. Hardy, and I'm one of the doctors that has handled your case over the last year. Looking over your chart, and your most recent test results, I'm rather surprised by your sudden return to, well, the living. Most coma patients, when they do start to wake, take days, or even weeks to fully wake and stay awake for long periods of time. You however, wake up, as if you've been taking a nap for the last year. Some would consider you a medical miracle. But I suppose you're more interested in things like when you can leave."

"Well, no offense, but I would like to get back to my life as soon as possible. I've missed out on a year of it already, and I don't want to miss out on anymore."

"Yes, I know. Well, judging by your rather rapid recovery, I want to run two or three more tests, and then I see no reason why you can't go home." Seeing the jubilant looks on both of the men's faces, she cautioned them. "However, there are some things you will have to promise me. First off, you are to come back in three days to run more tests. After that, we will judge if you need to continue checking in with us. Second, you'll need to take things very slowly. Lying in bed, you feel much like you did before, but over the last year, you've lost a lot of your strength. We have exercised you muscles as best as we can from the bed, but you've still lost muscle. You may find yourself tiring very easily. If you do, don't fight it. Rest. It's going to take awhile for you to return fully to the life you lived before. I would recommend seeing a physical therapist to completely regain your strength. Third, I want you to stay with someone for at least the next few days."

"That won't be a problem, doctor," Brian broke in. "He's coming home with me...we live together." The second half of his statement sounded more like a question, and he looked to Justin for confirmation. Grinning, Justin nodded, supporting Brian's declaration.

"Well, that settles that at least. Otherwise, I'd just advise that you listen to your body. If you're not ready for something, your body will let you know. Now, as for these tests. An orderly will be in in a few minutes to help you into a chair, and he'll escort you down to the lab where we'll run them. After that, you're free to check yourself out."

Justin smiled. Only a little while longer, and he'd be going home. Home with Brian. To their home. ( _Our home, together_ ).

***

At the loft two hours later, Justin looked around with wonder. A lot of things were different than he remembered. ( _From a year ago, and from last week...in my dream. It was just a dream. This is reality, and that's what I have to keep telling myself._ ) The white leather furniture had been replaced with black leather, there was a curtain hanging from the ceiling on one side of the room. As it was pulled back, he could see a little bed with the sides that kept kids from rolling out. ( _Gus_ ) his mind supplied, and he knew that Brian really had changed. The naked man painting was gone, a new painting in its place, and on another wall, Justin saw the sketch he had done of Brian that had been sold at the center auction in the first months after he met Brian.

Smiling, he looked over at the man. "You were the one who bought my picture. Why didn't you tell me?"

"When I did it, I couldn't admit to even myself why I had done it. Later, after you were hurt, I needed to see it, to be reminded."

"I like the changes to the loft. It seems...more like a home now."

"Gus started staying over more and more, and I realized this wasn't the type of place that was meant for a toddler, especially when he started to walk. I also realized that the man who had originally moved into this loft didn't exist anymore, and the style wasn't what the man he became wanted."

Justin sighed. "I wish I could get out of this chair and explore more, but like Dr. Hardy said, I can't get my legs to do what I want. I can get them to move a little bit, but it takes up a lot of energy, and I don't want to fall asleep again so soon after I've gotten here."

"Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to explore. I think you'll like some of the other changes I've made as well. There's a couple of empty drawers and some space in the closet for your things. Your mom brought some of your stuff over, and I spread it throughout the loft. Some sketchbooks, sneakers, a certain teddy bear named Gus. They're all here."

Justin was surprised. "Brian...you really didn't give up on me did you? It's like you were just...waiting for me...for me to come home."

"That's exactly what I was doing. And in the meantime, I needed some of your stuff here, to bring some of your presence. I needed to be reminded of you. I was so afraid I would forget even the smallest thing, the shortest moment I had spent with you, I needed these things here to remind me, to show me that you would come back to me eventually, and when you did, I'd be ready for you this time."

"And speaking of my mom...she helped you?"

"Over the months, your mother and I made peace. I think she saw that I truly did love you, and she came to terms with you. She's come a bit of a second mother to me. I even go over and have dinner with her and Molly sometimes."

"By the way, why haven't I seen either of them, or anyone else, yet? Have you told them?"

"I called them all the other day after the doctor had to knock you out. They are all under strict instruction to stay away until we call them."

"And they all, especially my mother and Debbie, agreed to that?"

"Justin, things have changed. They realize that we need this time together. That you need this time to get readjusted. They realize that all of that would be a lot harder with a circus going on around you."

Justin nodded. "Brian...you keep saying how much things have changed. I know that in the next few weeks I'll see what you're referring to, but until then, there are some things I need to see now. It's obvious how much you have changed...but to what extent? I know it must be a huge change, and one that more than just me gets to see, if they're all listening to you and giving us time and space...but...oh, hell, I don't know what I'm trying to say. Or, I do, but I don't know how to put it into words."

Brian came and kneeled in front of Justin's wheelchair, and took the teen's hands in his own, resting them on his lap. Looking up at his face, Brian made sure he had Justin's full attention before he began. "I think I know what you're trying to get at. We started to talk about it a little in the hospital, but we never did finish our conversation. You want to know exactly where you stand in this relationship, in my life. You want to know how I feel, and what it is I want from you."

Justin nodded wordlessly.

"Justin...god, I've said this so many times over the last year, hoping it'd be enough to get you to come back, that it'd be enough to make everyone understand that I really did love you. But I never imagined it would be so much harder to say it with you looking back at me, with so much hope and trust in your eyes, hoping that I say what you want, and trusting that I won't hurt you with my words. I promise to earn that trust Justin. I know I haven't yet, but I will...as for your questions...my life has been so lonely Justin. For years and years and years I've been so lonely, and then you come along and change everything and I don't know how to respond to that. It took me awhile to get it right. I've been so depressed and alone Justin, for so long, that I didn't even remember what it was like to be completely happy. Sure, I had Mikey and the guys and Deb and the munchers, but it wasn't the same. I was always just a little bit on the outside. And all that time, though I never admitted it at the time, though I never even realized it myself, I've wanted someone to come along and change everything. I was too much of a coward to take a chance and change it myself, but I always hoped that someone would eventually come along and change my whole world around, and make me brave enough to go along with the change. You were that someone Justin. In less than a year you turned my world on its axis, and nothing would ever be the same again. I was finally starting to accept that, the night of your prom, and suddenly you were taken away from me. But I refused to give you up. You had made me braver, just like I had hoped. I wasn't going to give you up. And now...if only I could really show you just how much this all means to me. Right now, this moment, this is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life. Something in your eyes is telling me that this is the beginning of the rest of my life, and while I'm terrified, I feel braver than I have ever felt in my life, and I know that's all because of you. If only you knew how happy you're making me, if only I could show you, if only I could make you that happy...I never thought that I'd love anyone so much. I never thought it was possible for fags or Kinneys to fall in love. But you showed up and proved me wrong...none of this coming out right, I'm sorry, I'm already fucking things up, and you've only been home for an hour..." Brian was cut off by Justin's lips on his own. Closing his eyes, he gave in to the kiss, realizing it was the first time he had kissed Justin in over a year. The first time that he had kissed Justin and had the kiss returned. While the kiss wasn't passionate, both men could feel the love in it, and in that moment, it was a perfect kiss.

"Brian, you're not fucking things up. I understand, and while our lives haven't been the same, I feel the same way. I've waited for you my whole life, and now that I have you, really have you, I'm not going to let you go."

Brian gave him a small smile, and without thinking, Justin found himself returning it. Naturally, their lips once again gravitated towards each other, and they were soon lost in another kiss. Both sighed contentedly. They were finally home.


	3. Chapter 3: Life

Author's Note: It was hard for me to decide on reactions for two of the characters, so if they seem a bit off ( and you'll know who they are when you get to them), that's why. While I'm cynical, and a part of me believes homophobes are homophobes, and the world's never going to change, at 18 a part of me still wants to believe that people can change, and that in the end, parents are going to love their children no matter what. As always, please review!  
Date Completed: July 17, 2005. I just finished watching tonight's episode. He said it! I'm so excited right now!

* * *

_Life  
...its all messed up but we're alive, oh life is waiting for you... _

Less than twenty four hours. Really, both of the men had known it would be coming, but that didn't mean they had to like it. For all the promises Brian had gotten from their friends and family, they had just been words, and in the end, they couldn't make themselves wait for the calls permitting entrance, and instead took it upon themselves to see that Justin really had returned.

**Jennifer**

Jennifer was first, a fact that surprised neither man. If anything, they were surprised she had held out this long. Her baby had been in a coma for a year, and she let him go almost twenty four hours before coming to see him for herself. For almost twenty four hours, she had let Brian's word be enough. But all mothers had their limits, and Jennifer had reached hers. When the knock came around ten the morning after Justin came home, Brian remained where he was at the kitchen island, knowing it would be for Justin. Slowly, Justin rolled his way to the door, where he struggled for a brief moment, before pulling it open to reveal his mother.

Seeing her son, Jennifer let out a strangled sob and dropped to her knees, pulling him to her. For several long minutes, no one said anything while Jennifer held her son, convincing herself that he really was there. Finally, she forced herself to pull back a bit, and take a good look at her son. He had shrunk a bit, his muscles having deteriorated over the last year. Sitting in the wheel chair, he looked even smaller. He was paler than normal, and his hair was a bit longer. Despite all this, he looked older, older than nineteen, older than she could ever remember him looking. His eyes looked haunted and it pained Jennifer to think about what had caused this change in her son.

"Mom," Justin broke into her thoughts.

"Yes honey?"

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you expect me to disappear any second. Like you pity me. Like...I don't know, but just stop."

"I'm sorry, honey, I just..." Jennifer let her statement trail off, not knowing what to say. She didn't pity him ( _well, maybe she was sorry, but that wasn't pity. Not really._ ). As for disappearing any second, she couldn't help it. "I can't help it. I'll be honest with you Justin, after awhile, I believed the doctors. I had accepted the fact that you would probably never wake up. I hadn't given up, I just couldn't find it in myself to hold out hope for a miracle. Really, Brian was the only one that refused to believe the doctors. He was the only one that kept insisting, the entire time, that you were going to wake up. It was because of him we kept you on life support. I didn't think it would help any, but I didn't think he'd be able to handle it if he lost all hope. Because despite what he might say, no matter what he tells you, I think hope was all that he had left. Hope that you would wake up was all that he had to get him through the days. Hold onto him honey. I know I didn't really approve of him before, but I was wrong. He loves you Justin, more than I think you will ever know. Hold onto him, he's a keeper."

Justin glanced over to where Brian still stood, and his face broke into a smile. "I know Mom. I've always known."

The three moved then to the living area. Jennifer took the couch, Brian a chair, and Justin remained in his chair between the two. The loft was silent.

Finally, Jennifer laughed. ï¿½I've waited a whole year for you, and now I can't think of a single thing to say. I know you don't want to dwell on what happened, but there isn't much to talk of otherwise.ï¿½

Justin sighed. ï¿½I know what you mean. And you're right, I don't want to dwell on what happened. Brian and I have talked the whole situation to death in the day I've been awake, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. But at the same time, what else have I got going on in my life?ï¿½

The silence returned. This time it was Brian who broke it. ï¿½Fuck this. Say something, anything, the two of you are driving me insane. Justin, you haven't spoken to your mother since before your prom, over a year ago. Jennifer, you've waited a year to talk to him, hear him answer, and now that both of you are here and awake, no one is saying a god damn word.ï¿½

Finally, after a somewhat tense forty five minutes, Justin convinced his mother she should go, and come back later in the week, when he would actually have something to talk about with her. Feeling just as uncomfortable as her son had, she agreed. Of the three, Brian was most relieved by her departure, tired of listening to all the words that weren't being said.

**Emmett**

Less than twenty minutes after Jennifer's departure, there came a second knock on the door. While the two had known Jennifer would be the first to arrive, they both were a little curious to see who would be second. Having helped Justin out of his chair and onto the couch where he would be more comfortable, Brian answered the door this time.

Pulling it back, they were both surprised to see Emmett standing in the hall. Both had kind of figured Debbie would be the next to arrive, and if not her, Daphne. Justin couldn't hide his delight at the sight of his flamboyant friend. Brian was glad to see the smile on Justin's face, happy to see that his lover was happy.

Coming right in, Emmett sashayed over to the couch and pulled Justin into a quick hug. 

ï¿½Oh baby, I'm so glad to see you,ï¿½ the queen exclaimed.

Justin's smile could now be classed as blinding. ï¿½I'm really glad to see you too, Emmett. My mom was just here, and it was kind of depressing. She just kept staring at me, and her eyes would start to tear up. It made me feel as if I was dying or something. And, yeah, I know she was just happy to see me, but she was all mournful...and it was just fucking depressing.ï¿½

ï¿½Unfortunately baby, I'm thinking you're going to be getting a lot of that over the next couple of weeks. We were all really worried about you. And I promise,ï¿½ Emmett held up his right hand, ï¿½that's all your going to hear from me on the topic.ï¿½ He made a zipping motion across his lips, indicating his closing of the offensive subject.

ï¿½Thanks Em. So, what have you been up to?ï¿½

So for the next half hour, Emmett regaled Justin with tales of his time as a porn star, meeting his lover George, and how they had fallen in love. He told him of his whirlwind tour of Paris, which had been cut short when George had gotten sick. Then he told him about their plans to return to Europe in the fall, when George would be back at full strength after his heart attack.

ï¿½We were really lucky that it wasn't more serious. But anyway, were going to go back this fall, this time to Italy. If you're doing better baby, you should come with us. George is going to love you, I already know it. And you'll love him too, he's really wonderful.ï¿½

Justin smiled and inwardly marveled at the strength Emmett hid behind his nelly exterior. He couldn't imagine staying as strong for Brian as Emmett had for George, if they're situations had been reversed. But, as he thought about it, Justin supposed he could do the same for Brian, if Brian needed him. For Brian, he felt he could do anything. 

**Ted**

Emmett left shortly after, and once again the two men were alone. But, not for long. Ted arrived next, looking slightly out of place.

"Ted," Justin was surprised. He and Ted had never been all that close.

"Justin. Just stopping by...wanted to see that you were okay...you know..." Ted fumbled, looking for the right words.

"I'm surprisingly good, actually, thanks. Heard about your web site, congrats on it's success."

"Thanks, it's actually a fun job."

"Great, I'm glad you finally left that other place. You never seemed very happy working there."

Ted ducked out moments later, needing to get to work, but Justin's words continued to ring in Brian's ears. That was what life was about, that's what he needed to make it. Being happy. Happiness, Brian discovered, was Justin.

**Debbie and Vic**

Debbie arrived, in true Debbie fashion, with food in hand. Vic trailed in behind her, nodding to Brian as he passed, while Debbie rushed to Justin's side, pulling him into a hug.

"Debbie," Justin gasped, "I need to breathe."

"C'mon Deb, let the poor kid go. He just came out of a coma, we don't need you killing him yet." Vic stepped in, giving Justin a smaller, or at least more subdued hug, after finally tearing Debbie away from her Sunshine.

The two siblings sat down on the couch. Justin rolled to sit across from them.

"So, kiddo, how are you, really?"

Justin smiled. Emmett had been right, the whole topic was all he was going to hear about. "I'm good Deb. I'm still a bit weak, but I'm going to go to rehab to regain my strength. A lot of things are jumbled up in my head, but Brian's been really great, trying to help me get it all sorted out."

"I'm really glad baby. Do you have any memory loss or anything, the doctor said you might."

"I don't remember the actual prom. I remember a little bit from inside the garage, when Brian yelled to warn me, but the last thing I remember before that is asking Brian to go to prom with me and him saying no." A glance in his lover's direction showed Justin that even after a year, it still pained Brian to hear about what had happened. His handsome face was twisted in a way that physically pained Justin just to see, and he swore to himself that he would do everything in his power to make sure Brian never felt the pain that caused such a look again.

Vic finally spoke, and Justin was glad for it. Vic would keep them in safer territory. "What are you going to do now?"

"Well, I've got rehab, and possibly therapy, and after that...who knows? I think I want to reapply to PIFA. I want to go to school and be an almost normal college student. I want dance at Babylon. I want to eat lemon bars from the diner, and bitch about my professors and their bad hair. I want something normal, because I realize what I almost lost."

The look was back, and Justin cursed himself. A moment later it was gone and Brian asked, "Almost normal?"

Justin shot his lover a smirk. "Well, how many college students are in a relationship with someone twelve years older than them?"

"Probably quite a few, if you count fucking your professors to be a relationship. None as lucky as you though."

When Justin replied, his tone was no longer joking. "No, none of them are as lucky as me."

Debbie and Vic shared a look. While it wasn't completely obvious where the two stood with each other, both were pretty sure that they had made progress already, in the short amount of time that Justin had been awake. They heard the things that neither man was saying, and knew that in the end, those were the things that mattered the most, and were glad that they had reached this level in their relationship. Things were possibly, finally, looking up for the two.

Soon after, the siblings excused themselves, leaving Brian and Justin in the privacy they desired, though they suspected it would not last long.

**Joan**

The next visitor surprised Justin. He didn't know who he had expected to follow Brian in that time, but Joan Kinney would have been at the bottom of the list.

"Brian," he heard from the door. He didn't recognize the voice at first. "I stopped by to tell you happy birthday. I know I'm late, but I figured you would want to be alone. Did you stop by and see Justin?"

"Mom," Brian replied, and Justin almost fell from his wheelchair. What did Joan Kinney know about him? "Justin woke up last night. He's just inside...do you...want to meet him?"

"Yes Brian, I think that would be nice."

Nice? Nice? Joan Kinney thought it would be nice to meet him? True he had never ( _really_ ) met her, but he had heard enough about her to doubt that she really wanted to speak with him. And since when did she know anything about anyone in Brian's life?

"Justin," Brian broke into Justin's thoughts, "this is my mother, Joan Kinney. Mom, this is my...partner, Justin Taylor."

Joan smiled and moved to give Justin a tentative hug. "It's a pleasure to meet you Justin."

Justin shot Brian a bewildered look over the woman's shoulder. "Umm...it's great to meet you too, Mrs. Kinney."

"Call me Joan, after all, you're probably the most important person in my son's life, after Gus at least. Now really, I hate to rush off, but I really have to get to Claire's to watch the boys. They're both home sick from school, and your sister has to get to work. You two should stop by for dinner sometime soon."

Brian agreed and showed his mother to the door after she said good-bye to Justin, then returned to the living area, ready to answer the questions he knew his lover must have.

He was right. "Brian, since when does your mother know anything about your life, especially me and Gus?"

Brian sighed. "I told you a lot had changed Justin. When the news covered your attack, my name was all over in the papers that I had been your date, and that I was your lover. While Joan Kinney may have been the only person in the Pitts not to know I'm a fag, she quickly found out. At first, she reacted as I had suspected. But somehow, over the last few months, I'm not even sure how it started, we came to a truce, then to an understanding, and somewhere along the way, I became her son, and she my mother, and she learned to love me and accept my lifestyle. It's still a rather fragile relationship, but for once we're both trying to be a family, and I'm even daring to hope it may work."

 

**Cynthia**

Cynthia arrived next. When Brian pulled in, she bustled right over to Justin and gave him a peck on the cheek. 

"Oh Justin, I've never been so happy to call in and say he wasn't going to be in to work. When he told me why...I'm so relieved that you're okay. Now, maybe Brian will go back to being the asshole he's always been, but I suspect not. However, at least he'll stop moping around all the time." Both Cynthia and Justin laughed at the mock indignation on Brian's face.

"I did not mope!" They laughed again. "I didn't! Well, Cynthia, it's too bad you can't stay, Vance is such a stickler for punctuality, and you are already late, but I'm sure we'll see you later." With that, he grabbed her arm and practically dragged her to the door. "Tell all my secrets and I'll fire you," he whispered in her ear.

Cynthia laughed at his empty threat. "No you won't, you'd never be able to find someone else to put up with all your bullshit. See you later boss. Bye Justin!" she called back into the loft, and with that, she was gone.

 

**Craig**

When Craig Taylor was the next person to enter the loft, both Justin and Brian tensed themselves, waiting to see the man's reaction. He seemed uncomfortable in Brian's home, but neither man made an effort to ease his discomfort.

"Justin," Craig said stiffly, "your mother called to let me know you had woken up."

"And yet I see it still took you hours to get here, when she was here first thing this morning."

"I had stuff I had to do."

"Stuff more important than your son? Oh, but that's right. I'm not your son anymore, am I?" It was obvious that his father's rejection still hurt him.

"But do you see how right I am now Justin? Do you understand why this has happened to you?"

"No Dad, it's still a bit fuzzy, I was hit in the head you know. Why don't you explain it to me?"

"Because of this...disgusting "lifestyle" Justin. God has punished you for being an abomination, but you've been given a chance to atone for your sins Justin. Don't squander it away by continuing to sin with this man, this child molester."

Brian became enraged, but Justin spoke before he could. "You're wrong Craig, but that's no longer my problem. This happened to me because of people like you. People who would rather see me dead than queer, when, in the end, my life has nothing to do with yours, just as it had nothing to do with Chris Hobbes. But, as I said, that isn't my problem. I want you to leave. If you can't be my father, than I don't want to be your son. I won't allow you to come here and insult me and my partner. I want you to leave, now, and I don't want to see you anymore." With that, Justin turned his chair away, and refused to say another word until he heard footsteps and the slam of the loft door. Inside, he felt the slam of another door, on a part of his childhood, and knew he would probably never see his father again. 

Turning back, he met Brian's gaze, and was unable to stop a tear from making it's way down his face. Brian was at his side, kneeling at his feet in a moment. "Don't Justin. Don't waste your tears on that man, he doesn't deserve them."

"I know. I know he doesn't Brian, but somewhere inside that cold-hearted bigot is the man that was once my father, and a part of me will miss him. I can't be the man he wants me to be, and I'm not going to waste my life trying to be someone I'm not for him, but it still hurts to have him reject me for something as stupid as me being gay." More tears followed, and Brian pulled Justin into his arms, cursing Craig Taylor in his head for making the man he loved cry.

 

**Daphne**

Forty five minutes later, Justin's tears had long since stopped, and another knock came at the door. When Brian opened it, all either man saw was a dark-haired blur before Justin found himself tackled by a crying nineteen year old girl.

Putting his arms around his best friend, Justin felt himself tearing up again, but was able to keep from crying this time. "It's all right, Daphne. I'm fine, and the parts of me that aren't will be soon. Shh, stop crying and talk to me. Tell me what's been going on in your life for the last year."

It took several minutes, but eventually Daphne was able to pull herself away, still sniffing, but a smile on her face. She sat down on the couch across from him, but leaned forward, not wanting to put too much distance between them, still not entirely believing that he was really there.

"Oh Justin, I'm so glad you're back. This year has been...strange. I know we hadn't been planning on going to the same school, but not to have you here at all...I felt so alone. But, me and Brian have gotten really close. He really loves you Justin, you need to hold onto him."

Justin smiled. "Why does everyone keep telling me that like I didn't already know. I've known since the moment I met him that he was everything I wanted in my life. None of this is news to me."

"Well, it also doesn't hurt that I'm fucking hot."

"And have an ego the size of this room."

Brian just stuck his tongue out.

"Mature Brian, and you call me and Daph children. Anyway Daph, how has school been? Meet any cute boys?"

Laughing, Daphne became more animated and began to regale him with stories of college life and the people she had met there. Justin found himself comforted by her chatter, and, like he had told Vic he had wanted, began to feel more normal by the second. Without knowing it, he began to smile.

Seeing his lover smile, Brian's heart soared. After Craig's visit Justin had been dejected, but Daphne seemed to be just the thing for him. Brian smiled as well. Life was still pretty messed up, and Justin still had a long way to go before he'd be "normal" again, but at least they were both still there, and that thought made Brian happier than he could ever remember feeling.


	4. Chapter 4: I'll Stand By You

Author's Note: Sorry this took so long, but I was on vacation, and then it took me awhile to get back into the swing of things. Finally was able to write this, though I found myself quoting Newsies near the end. Been watching the show, not quite as disappointed with the finale as I thought I might be. Was left with the feeling that the boys were still together, despite distance, and like Brian said, it's just time. They'll end up where they're supposed to be eventually. Together. Anyway, please, please review.

Date Completed: August 9, 2005

* * *

_I'll Stand By You  
...nothing you confess, could make me love you less..._

Sauntering up to the bar, Brian came up behind Emmett and Ted. "Hey boys, how's tricks?" Giving the bartender a nod, he soon had a Beam in front of him, which he knocked back in one gulp. Without more than a "see ya later" Brian disappeared back into the dancing crowd that was Babylon. Emmett and Ted gave each other a look. The King had returned.

For the next hour, Brian danced, always under Emmett's watchful eye. He did notice that Brian never took anyone into the backroom, and yet, he couldn't help but wonder: where was Justin?

When Brian returned for another drink, he noticed Emmett's look and sighed. He knew the man well enough to know he wouldn't just leave it alone He didn't feel like he owed anyone but Justin an explanation for anything, but he didn't want it getting back to Justin that he was tricking, because he knew Emmett suspected that's what he was doing.

Justin had been home for four and a half weeks, and things in the loft were...tense. Brian knew that his friends assumed that they were back to their old ( _fucking_ ) habits, but fucking was just one of the things that no longer took place in the loft. Touching of any kind was a rather rare occurrence. Talking wasn't popular, at least not about anything of importance. Brian would try to get Justin to talk to him, but there were only so many times he could be shot down before he just stopped asking.

So, he had come out tonight, needing to unwind. On nights like these, it was hard staying in the loft, and Justin had certainly made it clear that he didn't want him there, so he had decide to come to Babylon, to drink and to dance, and try to pretend that things weren't as fucked up as they had become.

Grabbing the nearest guy, Brian pulled him out onto the dance floor, unable to take Emmett's curious look a moment longer. Maybe word would get back to Justin that things were "back to normal." Maybe Justin would see how his actions were hurting Brian. And maybe, Brian thought sadly,   
_maybe he would see that he was holding on to something that had never existed in the first place_.

Two hours later, Brian stood outside his own door, more afraid than he had ever been to enter his own home. Finally, building up the courage, that he suspected mostly came from the alcohol still in his system, he pulled back the door and stepped inside. Pulling the door shut behind him, he was relieved to hear the noise of the shower. He didn't have to face his lover quite yet. ( _Stay of execution_ ) his mind supplied, and while he agreed, he forced himself to continue inside. Deciding to take a chance, Brian found himself stripping, clothes leaving evidence of his journey to the bathroom, where he climbed in the shower behind his lover.

Justin was leaning against the wall, eyes closed, unmoving. Brian knew the younger man was aware of presence by his change in breathing, and yet he made no move to approach him. _But_ , Brian noted with some satisfaction, _he's not trying to get away either_. Treading carefully, knowing he was on tumultuous ground, Brian stepped closer, and closer still, until his chest was pressed against Justin's back. When Justin made no move to step away, he brought his arms up around his shoulders. He was pleasantly surprised when Justin raised a hand and rested it on his bicep, without trying to push the arm away. Sighing in relief, he let his head fall forward until it rested in the smaller man's hair, and closed his eyes as well. The two stood there in silence for awhile, both knowing the conversation that was inevitable, both drawing the strength they knew they would need from the other.

Once out of the shower, the two dried off and put on their robes before making their way to the couch. They both sat, only inches apart, and yet both felt as if there were an entire room between them.

"Well," Brian said, "I suppose I'll start. Emmett's probably going to tell you all about how I was drinking and dancing tonight at Babylon. It's true, I did go, I did drink, and I did dance with more than one guy. But Justin, I swear to you, it never went beyond that. I made promises to you, and I have kept them. You believe me don't you? Tell me you believe me." The last part was said pleadingly. At Justin's nod, Brian sighed in relief and continued. "But Justin, we both know why I had to go out tonight. This can't go on. This tension is killing us both. Whatever it is, we need to talk about it, otherwise...I don't know what will happen."

"I'm sorry Brian, I know I have no right to kick you out of your own home, but the physical therapy..."

"Justin, this is our home, and I understand about you not wanting me here at times. That isn't what this is about. It's not just you not wanting me here when your therapist comes by, though that is part of it. It's also you not wanting me here at any other time. It's you not wanting me to touch you. It's you not wanting to talk to me. It can't continue Justin, because eventually one of us is going to crack under the pressure, and I don't know if we can take that right now."

Justin glanced away for a moment, before forcing his gaze to return to Brian. "I know Brian, and I'm sorry. I know it may not seem like it but I am trying. I just..." His eyes filled with tears, and when one slipped out, he angrily wiped it away.

"Hey," Brian whispered calmingly, "don't. Don't be ashamed to cry in front of me. Talk to me, let me help, or at least try to help. I want to help you Justin, you just have to let me in."

"I don't know where to start." Justin whispered, more tears making their way down his cheeks.

Brian could feel his heart break. Where was the strong, unbreakable man he had fallen in love with. Had Hobbes succeeded in taking that away from them too? "Start from the beginning. Why don't you want me here on nights like tonight, when you have your physical therapy appointments?"

"I'm so weak Brian. I know you think I'm strong, but I'm not." Brian shook his head, but Justin nodded and continued, "No, Brian, I'm not. You're the strong one. I'm just... good at pretending. But I can't pretend anymore. Not when it comes to this. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt every time I have to do those fucking exercises. I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt relearning to do the simplest things like walk, or bend over to tie my shoes. And it's not just the muscle strength. I'm weak on the inside too. Every morning, I can barely force myself to get out of bed, knowing it's just another day of the same. Every night, I cry myself to sleep, knowing that I made no progress that day, and the next day will be no better. It's bad enough that I'm a failure. But if you were here, watching me fail, seeing how weak I really am on the inside, I just don't think I could take it."

"Stop, Justin, just stop it." Brian shook him lightly by the shoulders. "You are not weak. The fact that you continue to climb out of bed every morning is your proof, that you are stronger than you know. No one expected this to be easy Justin, but that you continue to force yourself to do these things that cause you so much pain, that is a testament to your true strength, and I don't want you to ever doubt that again."

Justin sniffed, and nodded, knowing, somewhere in his heart, that Brian was right.

"But Justin, it's not just the physical therapy. We need to talk about the other issues as well."

"Issue. I know it seems like a lot of different things to you Brian, but I think, in the end, they're all tied together. Brian, what I'm going to tell you is going to seem like an attack on you, and I really don't mean it that way, but I'm sure that's the way it's going to come out. I want you to hear me out, and really think about what I'm saying, before you respond. Okay?" At Brian's nod, Justin continued. "When I woke up, a lot of things were thrown at me suddenly, and in a matter of hours, I had to adjust to a life I've never known before. A lot of things change in a year, but Brian, it hasn't been a year for me. For me, they changed over night, and I'm still trying to catch up. Here," he gestured to his heart, "I know that you're here for me, that you won't hurt me, that you love me, and want me here. But here," he motioned towards his head, "things get jumbled up. I'm still waiting for you to get tired of me and throw me out. I'm still waiting for you to say mean and hurtful things, especially if you see how weak and scared I am all the time. I know I'm not perfect right now, and that's what you always demand. Perfection. But that's not all of it. A lot of it is me as well. There are days, I want to do nothing but cry, and I can't let myself do that in front of you. Partly out of fear that you'll reject me, but partly out of fear that you won't. That you'll take me in you arms, and I won't be able to stop crying. There are days when I am so angry. With you, myself, God, Hobbes, it doesn't matter. I'm angry with the world. And I know, I know I would take it all out on you if I allowed myself to even speak to you, and you don't deserve that. You don't deserve to have my problems thrust upon you, when you never asked for them, or this relationship, or even me. There are days, I don't want you to leave, because when I see you walk out that door, I find myself terrified that you won't come back. But there are days when I can't stand for you to be here, to look at me, to see that I'm failing, to see that I'm drowning, and I don't think anyone can save me. I don't talk to you because I'm terrified at what might come out of my mouth. I don't know whether I'll plead with you to stay here with me, to love me, to never leave me, or if I'll scream at you, tell you I hate you, that it's your fault this happened to me. So I keep my mouth shut, and I keep my distance. I don't want to hurt you Brian, I never want to hurt you, but I'm afraid if I let you too close to me, I will, and once I say things, even things I don't mean, I can't take them back. Even if you forgave me and my stupidity, they would always be there, between us, and I don't want to live that way. As for the touching... that's the easiest and most difficult thing of them all. I want to touch you Brian, to be touched by you. I want to make love to you, to have you hold me, and kiss me, but at the same time, the thought of anyone, even you, touching me, makes my skin crawl. I'm terrified that each hand stretched out towards me isn't a helping one, but instead looking to hurt me, a blow to my already battered heart. And honestly, I think my fear of being touched stems from my fear of talking. You and I have always had an understanding, a way of communicating that goes beyond verbal. I'm afraid that if I let you touch me, you'll see all those things that I'm afraid to say, and they'll be between us anyway. I'm afraid of fucking everything up between us, even moreso than it is now. Because, I know I'm fucking this up. I just, I don't know how to say the things that I feel. I just don't have the words to explain, but I'm trying, because I think... I think not saying anything would do a lot more damage right now, than saying the wrong things." Tears were streaming down Justin's face, unchecked, at this point, and he could feel exhaustion creeping in, but he had said it. He had said all the things he could, and he only hoped Brian would understand.

Brian was quiet for several long moments. His eyes were focused ahead, unseeing. "Justin..."

Justin steeled himself, unsure of what was coming, terrified he had failed once more, terrified that Brian had misunderstood, and that he would be kicked out of the only place he considered home anymore.

Turning at Justin's sharp in take of breath, Brian saw the look on the teen's face. "Justin, there's nothing you could do, nothing you could say, that would ever make me love you any less. You are right that you could hurt me, but it only hurts because I love you. And because I love you, I can eventually get past things said in anger, or spite, or fear. But I can't take this silence, anything is better than that. And Justin... now I don't know where to start. If you're mad, get mad. Don't hold inside, don't let it fester until you can't control it. Yell, scream, throw things, but let it out. If you're upset cry, take it out on me. I'm not going anywhere Justin, never. I love you and I refuse to lose that Justin, not when it's taken me so long to get it. Let me in Justin, and let me help you. No matter what, no matter if you make the wrong decision, I'm going to be here for you, I'm going to love you. You're not alone Justin, I know I may not be the best company all the time, but I'm in this for the long haul, for the entire journey, no matter what life throws at us. I'm not going to let anyone, or anything, hurt you, ever again. I may have failed once, but never again."

"Brian," Justin broke in, "you didn't fail. I know, in my heart I know, you did everything you could to save me, but sometimes shit happens. And I don't want you to blame yourself anymore, not for things that were never your fault to begin with. All you did that night was make it the happiest night of my life."

"Even if it was ridiculously romantic?"

Justin gave him a small grin, "Especially because it was ridiculously romantic."

Brian smiled back for a moment before returning to the serious topic at hand. "Justin, it's alright for you to be afraid. I'm afraid too. I'm afraid you're hiding more than this, that you still can't bring yourself to completely open up to me. I'm afraid that I'm going to say or do the wrong thing. I'm afraid that one morning I'm going to wake up and this will all have been a dream," Justin's breath caught at that, but Brian didn't notice and continued on. "But most of all, I'm afraid that, when all this silence between us gets to be too much, I'm afraid that you're going to walk out that door, and I'm never going to feel for someone the way I feel for you right now, in this moment. Because I won't. You're my chance Justin. You're my chance to break free, and I don't know when my next one will be. I can't spend my whole life hiding, pretending to be someone I'm not, but you're the only thing that's guiding me anymore. You're the love of my life, and no one will ever follow you. I'm so afraid Justin, and I know you are too, but you just have to..." Brian stopped and let out a short laugh.

"What? I just have to what?"

Brian smiled. "Have faith. I'm the last person that will ever preach about faith, but sometimes, you just have to have some. Not necessarily in God, or even in life, but in me. In the fact that I'm going to stand by you, no matter what. No matter what you do, or what you say, I'm going to be here. You can't get rid of me that easily."

And in that moment, Justin's brain recognized what his heart had been telling him all along. "I know. It may have taken this long for by brain to catch up to my heart, but I know Brian. And I do have faith. In you. You're the only thing I do have faith in anymore, but it's there. It's all... so clear all of a sudden. Not the answers, I know I still have a long way to go before I can let go of this anger, and this sadness, and a lot of this fear, but I can finally see, I finally understand, that no matter how slowly, I am making progress. And I know, you're going to be here. I'll do better Brian, I promise. It's going to take time, but I finally have faith... we can do this." Sniffling a little more, Justin climbed into Brian's lap, and for the first time in awhile, just let himself be held.

Holding his lover close to him, Brian buried his face in the blonde hair, and found himself thinking, _despite all I ever believed, with love, faith can be replenished and one can find the strength to continue on._


	5. Chapter 5: Good Enough

Author's Note: Sorry this took so long, I started college a little over a month ago now, and I've been settling in and getting used to being in the "real" world. How real is it when you go home almost every weekend? Anyway, I'm actually only getting started on this tonight because my roommate is pulling a possible all-nighter, and since I usually go to bed after her, I've yet to feel tired. Anyway, as always, please review.  
Date Completed: September 22, 2005

* * *

...he's never been good to you...

It had been two months since Justin had come home and things were getting better. It was a slow process, but progress was being made and both Justin and Brian could feel the differences in their day to day interactions. They had yet to take their relationship to the ultimate physical level, but both knew it was only a matter of time. Eventually Justin, who was now able to allow himself to be touched, would be able to overcome the final hurtle and they'd be back to fucking like bunnies. And making love. Both knew it wasn't just a matter of fucking anymore. Overall, neither had any major complaints, and things were definitely looking up for the two.

Until Brian's cell phone rang early one Thursday morning.

Brian had taken the day off to spend some quality time with Justin (something he tried to do at least every other week. Being a partner certainly had it's perques) when his cell phone rang. That in itself was not unusual, but the Batman theme ringer had become so in the last year. Looking at each other, both felt a feeling in the pits of their stomachs, like those out of books and movies, that whatever the caller wanted, things were going to change. And not for the better.

Unable to stop himself, Brian answered his phone on the third ring.

"Brian?" Brian heard Mikey's voice from a tinny distance, which he suspected had more to do with the blood rushing to his head, and less to do with his cell phone service.

"Michael, it's been awhile. What do you want?"

"Brian, I'm your best friend. We haven't talked, or seen each other, in forever, and I wanted to see how you're doing."

"We haven't talked because you were a shit about Justin and then just stopped calling me. So, again I ask, what do you want?"

"I'm in town and I thought we could get together. It'd be just like old times. C'mon, want to meet at Woodies tonight, say, around 8:30?"

Brian looked at Justin, knowing he could hear every word   
coming out of the phone. Justin gave him a small smile and nodded, encouraging Brian to say yes. He knew that, as much as Brian loved him, Michael was still his best friend and that he had missed him over the last year.

"Alright, I'll meet you at 8:30. I'll see you later." Brian closed the phone without saying good-bye, knowing Michael wouldn't understand the subtleties of his anger. He sighed and met Justin's gaze once more.

"What's wrong?" Justin was concerned. His lover should have been more excited at the aspect of seeing his best friend for the first time in so long.

"Things with me and Mikey... they didn't end so well the last time we spoke. Or the time before that, or before that, or before that... I just don't really know if I want to put up with his shit tonight, tomorrow, or any other night of the week. And I know it's going to be shit. It almost always is with him."

Justin frowned. "Brian, while I know Michael often overplays his importance in your life, he is your best friend. Aren't you being just a little bit harsh in your judgment? Maybe he really does just want to hang out tonight and reconnect."

"Justin, Michael has never been able to lie to me, and he still can't. He has other reasons for wanting to go out tonight, and I'm sure I'll hear all about them once I go to Woodies. And, I have a sneaking suspicion it's going to have something to do with you, which I could live without. I know Michael's opinion of you, and I have no desire to hear it once again."

"Well, unless you're prepared to just blow him off, and probably a fourteen year friendship, you're just going to have to go and hear him out."

"I know, and that's what I'm afraid of. Michael has always been one of the few people with the power to hurt me, and he's the one who abuses that power the most often. I know whatever he says tonight is going to hurt Justin, and I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I'm afraid it's going to come down to me having to make a choice, a choice I never wanted to make, and yet I feel like Michael's going to force me into it tonight. And it's going to hurt."

Justin just sighed and pulled Brian to him, hoping to soothe at least a little of his lover's anguish, silently cursing Michael for putting the man they both loved in this position.

At 8:30 that night, Brian sat down at one of the tables at Woodies where Michael was already sitting. Upon seeing his friend, the shorter man's face lit up, and Brian felt his stomach turn, already anticipating the worst.

It started out slowly, but Brian could already tell where it was going. First Michael told him all about how things with David weren't all that well, and it probably wouldn't be that long before he was back in the Pitts again. Brian had started to tune him out when Justin's name brought him back to the conversation.

"...now that Justin's awake, he can go back home where he belongs, and you can stop pretending to be something you're not, and everything will be back to normal. Back to the way it's meant to be."

"And just how is it meant to be, Mikey?" Most people would have been able to hear the tension in Brian's voice and would have known they were shaky ground. But Mikey had never been "most people."

"I've been hearing things from everybody Brian, things that that kid has been saying. You were never meant to be monogamous, Brian, that's not who you are. I know he's been telling everybody crazy shit, but that doesn't mean you have to humor him. I know you felt guilty and sorry for the kid, but it's time he got back to his life and we got back to ours. He's never what you were looking for Brian, never what you would want out of someone you could spend your life with. You would want someone who could understand you, understand how you are, and why you can't commit to one guy. Someone who can be your equal, someone who knows you better than anyone else."

Brian was grinding his teeth in an effort not to hit the other man. "Someone like you, you mean?"

Michael smiled. "Exactly! I knew you would get exactly what I was talking about. It's so obvious Brian. Why we could never find love with other men. Because we're meant to be together. So just send the brain damaged twink home so we can get on with our lives...together."

Brian inhaled sharply. "Michael, I'm going to tell you this and only once. If, after that, you ever bring up this subject again, you will force me to make a choice, and I don't think you'll like it. So listen up. I love Justin, and if I'm going to be spending my life with anyone, it's going to be him. That is not up for debate. You and I will never be together, and we never would have been, whether Justin had come along or not. But he did. This is where he belongs Michael. In our world, in my life, in this family. If you can't finally deal with that, maybe it's you who doesn't belong. Go back to Portland or don't, but don't you dare start blaming me for your life going wrong. I used to let you, thinking it was a condition of you being there for me, but I won't do it anymore. And I won't stand by and let you attack my partner, especially when he's not even here to defend himself. You got all that Michael? Because I don't ever want to have another conversation like this one with you."

"But Brian..."

"I told you Michael, one more word on the topic, and you will force me to make a choice, and you're not going to like it."

"Are you actually saying that you would choose between me and him?"

"If you forced me into it, yes I would choose."

"Fine, Brian choose. Choose either your best friend for more than half your life, or some stupid twink who showed up on Liberty Avenue a year ago and has been nothing but trouble ever since."

"Michael, you're always saying that you're my best friend, so maybe you should fucking act like it. A real friend wouldn't force me to do this."

"Choose Brian. It's either me or him."

Brian looked at his friend sadly and stood. "Fine." Without another word, he walked out of the bar, refusing to look behind him, at the part of his life he was leaving behind.

By the time Brian got home, he felt as if he was going out of his mind. His worst fear about the night had come true. Justin took one look at the older man and knew things had gone very wrong. Making his way to the bed where Justin had been reading, Brian collapsed into the arms of his lover, finally letting himself sob.

For almost an hour, Justin held him while he cried, rubbing what he hope were soothing circles on the man's back, never asking what had happened, though he was dying to know. He knew Brian would tell him when he was ready.

Finally, when Brian felt like he had no more tears left to cry, he pulled back and met Justin's gaze. He knew Justin was curious and forced himself to speak the words. He knew they would only make the situation that more real, but he knew they had to be said.

"He made me choose Justin. He made me choose between him and you. So I did."

Not even needing to ask what his choice had been, Justin pulled the man back into his arms.

"Brian... I'm sorry."

Brian sniffled. "It's not your fault, he just... he wouldn't leave it alone, and I just couldn't... he's my best friend."

"No, he's not." Justin snapped. Brian looked up, surprised by the vehemence in Justin's voice. "Brian, you're best friend, were they really deserving of the the title, would not make you choose. They would not do things that so obviously hurt you. If Michael is doing those things, really, how good of a friend can he be?"

"I know. I know your right. But it still hurts. I can't just think to myself, poof, he's gone from my life and the last sixteen years of my life meant nothing."

"Then don't, don't forget him. Remember how he used to your best friend, but life.... life tends to get in the way of past friendships, you grow up, you make new ones, and you move on. The two of you never did, but maybe it's time."

Brian nodded, lowering his face back to Justin's chest. Justin pulled him tighter, hoping to offer at least a little comfort to his hurting lover, once again cursing Michael Novotney for bringing Brian so much pain.

The two were woken up the next morning to a knock on the door. The knocking of course was really a pounding, and both men tried to ignore it and hoped it would go away. When it didn't, Brian rolled over with a groan and forced himself to get up and answer the door. He knew it could only be one of two people, and neither were people he wanted to deal with this early in the morning.

When he pulled back the door, he found himself face to face with the younger of the two Novotneys. Michael grinned at him as if nothing was wrong, and pushed his way inside the loft.

"Michael, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"What are you talking about? I came to see if you wanted to go have breakfast at the diner. We always used to."

"Yeah, well, we used to be friends, but not anymore, so I repeat, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Brian, I'm your best friend. I know things got a little crazy last night, but I know you didn't mean the things you said. So, I'm willing to forget it happened, and we can go to breakfast."

"Well, maybe I'm not willing to forget it happened. As someone very wise pointed out to me, if you were really my best friend you would not make me choose. You wouldn't make me choose between you and Justin, and you did. So I chose, and Michael, I didn't choose you." Brian smiled over at Justin who had just come out of the bedroom, still a little slow moving, not back to full strength quite yet.

Michael turned and glared at the teen. "Look Justin, this doesn't really have anything to do with you, so why don't you go find something else to do while Brian and I talk."

"No. How dare you Michael, try to come in here and kick him out of his own home like he doesn't matter. And you're wrong, this does have something to do with him. Partly because he's my partner and he deserves to know what's going on in my life. Also, your whole problem with this situation is because you have the ridiculous idea in your head that, if he wasn't here, it would be you in his place, in my life. But you're not and you never would be. So just go home Michael. Go back to Portland and the good doctor. This city isn't your home anymore. You don't belong here anymore." With that, Brian turned and made his way back into the bedroom, refusing to look at Michael, afraid the man would misinterpret any look as hesitation on his part.

"Brian..." Michael tried to follow, but Justin stepped in his way. With a glare, Michael tried to go around him, but Justin held his ground. "Get out of the way Boy Wonder."

"No, Michael. I won't let you hurt him anymore. He made his choice and it's not you, it's me. So you need to leave. You call yourself his best friend Michael, but I can't help but wonder if you even know what that word means. You're constantly hurting him, cutting him down, making him out as the villain. You blame all your problems on him, and always expect him to step in and rescue you. But that stops now. If he wants to contact you, fine, I won't stop him, but until that day comes, don't call here Michael. Don't call him at work, don't e-mail him. Don't contact him. He's not your best friend anymore. You don't deserve a place in his life."

"What gives you the right to make that kind of decision for him?"

"I have every right Michael, because I'm the one he comes to when he's hurt, when you've abused him to a point that he can't figure out what he's done wrong, which is usually nothing. I'm the one he comes to when he cries, and I'm the one who holds him, makes love to him, comforts him when you and your bullshit becomes too much for him to bear. So I have every right to make this decision. So get out." Justin kept stepping towards the other man, forcing him to keep stepping back, until he was out the door, which Justin promptly slammed in his face.

Making his way back up the bedroom, Justin found Brian laying on the bed, curled up into a ball, but his face was dry.

"Justin, what am I going to do? He's been my friend for over sixteen years. He... he put up with a lot from me. I was never a very good friend, but he was always there for me, which is more than I can say for anyone else... until I met you that is."

"Brian, that is bullshit. He's never been good to you, or there for you. Everything has always been about him. You were a wonderful friend to him, and he just continued to abuse you, taking for granted the fact that you would always be there. Sure, you probably did some questionable things, but that's not a good enough reason why he treats you the way he does. I'm tired of you being hurt. I don't want him to hurt you anymore, so I put a stop to it the best way I knew how. Because Brian, for a long time now, he hasn't done anything but hurt you."

"So I'm not even good enough for Michael to be friends with? What am I supposed to do now?"

"Oh Brian, you're so much more than good enough. So, just let me in. Let me try. I'll be there for you, and I'll be good to you, and I'll love you enough for me and your best friend. I can be both your partner and your best friend, just let me try. I want to do this for Brian. I love you and I don't want to see you hurting like this anymore. Let me try, and I'll show you that you are good enough. Let me love you for both of us, until you can love yourself. Just... have faith in me."

"Justin, as I learned today, I've never had faith in anything or anybody that didn't eventually let me down."

"Just give me a chance, and I'll show you differently. A few weeks ago you asked me to have faith in you and I do. And that faith has gone a long way in helping me recover. Let me return the favor."

Brian sighed. "Alright... but please Justin, don't... please don't fail, because I don't think I could take it if you did."

"I promise Brian, I promise to show you that you are good enough. I promise to love you and be here for you, and anything else you want." With that Justin pulled his lover into his arms and silently hoped that he would be good enough for Brian, that he would have the strength for both of them over the next few weeks.


	6. Chapter 6: Got Your Name On It

Author's Note: Please, please review  
Date Completed: October 29, 2005. Happy Birthday to me!

* * *

_...reminds me that I canâ€™t live without you, something you are changes me, into something I wanna be..._   
**Justin's POV:**

So many things have changed. Sometimes I still find myself wondering if this is actually reality. Or, if this is a dream, and that other... place was reality. If I've just created this fantasy world instead of facing the reality of the life I created for myself there. 

But, most of the time I don't think about it. Or at least I try not to. It's kind of hard not to be reminded every day that you've missed out on a year of your life. Even without some kind of alternate, dream, reality, I would have trouble reinstating myself into a life that was no longer really mine. I lost my place in a lot of people's lives. It hurts, but it's reality, and I accept that. But with this whole other reality... things are just a lot harder. I've never said anything to Brian about it because I know he'll think I'm crazy. And, a small part of me is afraid that if I say anything about it out loud, I'll wake up back there, and this world will all have been a dream. And as much as this world can suck sometimes, that's the last thing I want to happen. Here, I have Brian and the life that I've wanted since I was seventeen years old. There, I had that, or pretty close to it, and I threw it all away for empty words and token gestures. This is love. What Brian and I have here, this is real. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Not if I can help it.

But still, it's hard to adjust. But I think I'm managing pretty well. I know I'll have to tell Brian eventually about the other place, and everyday it gets a little less scary to think about. Everyday that place fades away a little more in my head, and I believe a little more that this is where I belong. That this is my home.

But so much is different. There, I knew Brian loved me, or at least, I did. Even if he never said the words, he showed me, in his own way. I just forgot how to read him. But here, here Brian gives me the words and the actions, and he does so everyday. He's a different man than the one I met on Liberty Avenue, and I know that the bashing is what changed him, but that's okay I guess. Something like that would change anyone. Especially with the following coma, not knowing if I would ever wake up... that takes a tole on a person. There's no way someone can come out of that the same person they were when they went into it. I've changed as well.

Here, now, I have the life I always wanted. I have Brian, and Mom, and Gus, and friends who have become a family, and love me no matter what. We're not perfect, but we're family. Brian's looking at PIFA, seeing if they'll consider readmitting me. Things are really looking up, and I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else. The only thing that could possibly be considered missing is Michael. It's not that I particularly want him here, because I don't, but I can tell sometimes that Brian misses him. It hurts me to know that I caused this rift between them, that Brian had to lose his best friend, indirectly because of me. But, Michael forced him to make a choice, and he did, and he chose me. I'm not going to complain about that.

That's one of the biggest differences. Before the bashing, and in the other place, I was not always Brian's first priority. In fact, I hardly ever was. At least, to me it seemed that way. But here, I know I'm first, or possibly second behind Gus. And that's okay. I'd never expect or ask him to put me before his son. But I am important in his life. And he tells me so, all the time. He's made it very obvious, and that is still taking some getting used to. It's nice to be wanted by the person you love.

Here, the words 'I love you' are spoken freely, not a taboo in our relationship. Brian tells me so at least once a day. He'll never be someone who uses them all the time, but I can tell that he makes an effort everyday to tell me, just to make sure I know. Of course I know. I've always known. 

Here, Daphne is still my best friend. There, we started drifting, pulled apart by things like college, new friends, and life in general. It was one of the things that always scared me most about college, and it came true. There. But here, we're closer than we ever were. Maybe we would have drifted apart had I not almost died, but I did almost die, and I think that made both of us appreciate our friendship a little bit more. Hey, I try to take something positive from even the most negative of experiences.

Here, Ben and Ethan don't exist. This was something that occured to me after I had been awake for a couple of weeks. If the other world didn't really exist, the new people that I had met there didn't either. I wasn't actually very sad that Ethan didn't exist. If he were real, I think I would find myself feeling guilty that I had allowed him to replace Brian, even in a fictional world inside my head. But Ben not existing made me sadder than I had expected. I hadn't known him very well, and he had dated Michael which can't say much for anyone, but he had seemed like a really nice guy. A guy that I could see myself becoming friends with if I was given a chance. The fact that he doesn't exist here when he really deserved to, seems to do an injustice to the world, when so many people do exist that don't deserve to.

Here, I'm secure in my place in my family and in my life. There, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My life was such a mess. I never knew where I was going to be living. Despite living with Brian, I always knew that one wrong move and I would be out on my ass. I always felt that I had to live up to certain expectations, or else I would lose those that I had come to love. It's not that way anymore. I might frustrate Brian to no end, but I know he loves me and my place in his life, as well as everybody else's, is secure. I know where I belong.

Here, I'm different too. Something about this Brian has change me, turned me into a person that I want to be. There, I didn't really like the person that I had become. I saw myself as weak, but didn't know how to make myself strong. I saw myself as a victim, but not a survivor. Here, Brian has helped me become something more, something, someone that I like. A survivor who is strong, who can do anything. With Brian, I know I can do anything.

And that includes telling him everything. Everything that "happened" to me between the bashing and waking up in that hospital. He deserves to know the truth about what it is I am and have been going through these last few months. This last year. 

I can finally tell Brian about everything. This is my world. I'm not going to wake up and find out it was all a dream. This is where I belong. I know that now.


	7. Chapter 7: Comfortably Numb

  
Author's notes:

Sorry this took so long, will try to have the next chapter out much much quicker. Please, please review. This is chapter 7 in what will probably be a 14 chapter story. 

Date Completed: January 30, 2007

* * *

Comfortably Numb  
...I need some information first, Just the basic facts: Can you show me where it hurts?... 

 

"Brian... Brian, can we talk?" Justin stood just behind where Brian sat at his desk, making notes in red ink on an ad copy.   
  
"Mmm, yeah sure, what do you need Justin?" Brian's attention was obviously elsewhere, and while Justin felt bad about interrupting him while he was trying to get work done, he knew he needed to have this discussion now before he lost what little nerve he had been able to build up.  
  
"Brian, I need to talk to you. And more than that, I need you to listen and actually hear what I have to say." Brian glanced up from the folder and met his lover's gaze. "Brian, can you please just... put work away for a little while. It's important." Nodding, Brian went about putting his stuff into his briefcase, having a feeling that he wouldn't be getting back to it any time that night. When he was done the two men made their way over to the couch, sitting side by side, knees and hands the only body parts touching.  
  
Justin started slowly. "When I woke up, I know I came across as pretty confused, and said some things that made no sense to you. The year I was...gone, I ...it wasn't just like I was asleep and woke up. Well, it was, but... I guess people in comas have dreams. And mine, there were parts of it that were wonderful. But by the end it had become somewhat of a nightmare. And I know they say that people in comas can hear you, and that seems to be true, at least to an extent. Some of the stuff happened in my dream, that, when I woke up, had really happened. And Brian, this has been bothering me since I woke up. Part of me has been waiting to wake up, back there, because this had to be the dream. I couldn't imagine that any reality could be this good. But, I've finally accepted that this is where I'm supposed to be. This is real, and the other really was just a dream. But I can't just forget it and I need to share it. So I want to tell you... if you want to listen."  
  
Brian tried to smile, but could feel something resembling fear in his stomach. "Justin... of course I'm willing to listen. You really did confuse me when you woke up, and I've wondered about some of the things you said since then. And don't think that I haven't noticed that you seem to have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've done my best to reassure you...."  
  
Justin interrupted, not wanting him to continue with that thought. "And you have. It's because of you that I'm at the point that I can talk about this....I just am not sure where to start."  
  
"Just start wherever you think it began."  
  
"Well, I guess it all started when I 'woke up' from a coma after being bashed. It had been only three days..." Justin talked for hours. He talked until his throat was dry and both his and Brian's cheeks were wet. He told Brian all about Ben, the rules and how he'd had been the one to break them, the trouble with his hand, and Rage. He told him of Michael's seeming acceptance and later betrayal. He told him of all the times the other Brian had failed him, and of all the times he had failed that Brian. And he told him about Ethan. Ethan, and the fact that he had given up on Brian, even a dream Brian, was the hardest part for him to get through, and he almost broke down or gave up more than once. The only thing that kept him going was knowing that he owed this to Brian, perhaps more than anything else.   
  
When he was finally finished, when he had told Brian absolutely everything about his year in a dream, he fell silent. And waited. He didn't know what it was he needed Brian to say, but he couldn't help but fear that, if he said the wrong thing, he would never be able to fully recover.  
  
Finally, after minutes of silence that had seemed to go on forever, Brian spoke, his voice thick with tears. "I'm sorry Justin...I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and that you've felt you had to carry that in silence for the last couple of months. I understand now your confusion and fear when you woke up. And I'm sorry that, however much of a dream it might have been, I'm sorry that I failed you. I know that it wasn't real, and that you know that, but I'm sorry that you were hurt, no matter how it happened. And I'll admit, had you woken up three days after the attack, I probably wouldn't have changed as much as I have. I'm not saying that everything you dreamed would have come to pass, but I probably would have acted pretty similarly. The main reason I've changed so much has been the realization that you mean so much to me. And that took longer than a couple of days. You knew me, probably better than anyone by that point, and you knew how I would react to a short term crisis. But, when that short term crisis started to become a long term one, I sat down one day and really thought about my feelings for you and how I would feel if you woke up, as well as how I would feel if you never woke up. And I finally was able to admit that I loved you and that, by doing so, I wasn't hurting you, or being the reason you had been hurt."  
  
Justin nodded. "That was something the other Brian had never seemed to realize. He loved me, and a part of me knew it, but he would never admit it, and I think he saw it as the reason I had been hurt. He had finally let his guard down and let me in, and as a result, in his mind, I had almost been killed. But... I'm glad you came to a slightly different conclusion."  
  
It was silent for awhile until Brian once again spoke. "I'm not glad that this happened Justin, and you have no idea how sorry I am that this has been so hard on you, and I know part of that is my fault, but I think in the end, this can only make us stronger, make our...relationship stronger."  
  
"I agree that, having been through this, and having told you all about it, really will make us stronger. It will only destroy us if we let it, and for the first time I think we're finally working for the same goal, and we're both so stubborn that I don't think anything can beat us if we're working towards the same thing. But Brian, as hard as this has been, it hasn't been because of you. You've been the only one that has seemed to make anything easier, or better. I truly believe that, had you not been here in exactly the way you have been, I don't think I would have made it this far, and certainly not this fast, if ever. And I don't want you to think that you've ever truly hurt me. YOu've said and done some things that have cut me, sometimes right down to the bone, but not since the day I woke up. You have changed Brian, and I no longer have any doubt that you do love me. And I love you too, more than anyone and anything else in my life. And I know you still aren't necessarily comfortable with conversations such as these, but I don't want you to ever doubt the role you've played in my life, and the role you've played in my recovery. YOu are the one reason I'm still alive, and while you may not agree, I know that to be the truth in the deepest parts of my heart and soul. And I know this has become a lot more emotional and lesbionic than you would have wished, and we don't ever have to bring this up again, but I just...wanted you to know absolutely everything."  
  
Brian's cheeks were wet again, but neither man mentioned it. Justin's were just as tearstained.  
  
"At least you've realized what a lesbian you sound like...but seriously Justin, I love you. More than anything and anyone, except Gus, in my life. I don't want you to ever doubt that. I may not be the best at saying it, and I know that I don't always show it clearly, but I just need you to know."  
  
Justin nodded, exhausted and unable to speak, and crawled into Brian's lap, and sighed when he felt Brian's arms come up around him. And for awhile, the two just sat there holding each other, unsure and uncaring of who was comforting and reassuring who. And in that moment, there was no place on earth that either man would rather be.  



End file.
